More than 15 years ago, I met an 80-something-year-old man in the Intensive Care Unit waiting room. My late father was in critical condition then, while this man's son who had suffered a heart attack was a few stalls away from my dad. Tito Paquito was this octogenarian's name, and we would see each other every day when it was our turn to keep watch over our respective family members. His wife, Tita Virgie, was a very sweet and beautiful woman who joined him every so often. They would have their packed lunch side by side, would meet with the doctors together, and sat in silence on the hard, uncomfortable plastic chairs of the ICU waiting room. The two had been college sweethearts, I found out during one of our lengthy conversations. And the way they looked at each other and spoke to one another inspired me to want that kind of relationship when I grow old.
Different people have different ways of keeping their relationship going, and so I asked several couples in long-term relationships what their secrets are to staying together:
Take them for who they are—warts and all. "To make one's love last is, from the onset, to accept the other person is a gift from God together with that person's strengths and frailties, seeing that these are complementary to one's own strengths and frailties. Then, from day to day, consciously make the effort to affirm each other in that love. As the old adage goes: 'take me for better or for worst, but don't take me for granted.'"—John and Peggy, married 44 years
Know your partner's language of love. "We all love the idea of a fairy tale ending, but life's not like that—at least not all the time. When we put our partner in a box and expect them to do things because you do them that way or your best friend's husband or wife does it that way, we'll be disappointed when they don't live up to it. Understand how your partner expresses their love, and appreciate that."—Deena and David, married 21 years
Don't sweep issues under the rug. "There are times when we forgo confrontation to keep the peace. That's good sometimes, but if either of you suddenly becomes irritable, then it's time to talk."—Suzi and Paolo, married 11 years
Go long distance. "Being apart has its benefits. The distance is a good thing in a way because you don't ever get 'tired' of the relationship. It also helps ensure that we have a life outside the relationship, which is a healthy thing, long distance or not. It's easier these days of course. When he took his masters some years back, we connected via fax, ICQ, and email only (those were the days when the tech world was transitioning from Wordstar to Word, from DOS to Windows)."—Rowena and Jonathan, together 16 years
Take chances. "Be excited to live life every day and experience new things. This type of attitude will definitely show in your actions and show your partner that there is always something great for you two to experience together or even apart. Who wants to be with a boring person? Even if you don't expect your partner to do a new activity with you, just having him (or her) see and feel your zest for life will show him (or her) that being with you is fun and exciting."—Lauren and Ian, married 12 years
Tito Paquito and I lost touch years ago, but I will never forget what he replied when I asked him for the secret to keeping his marriage so strong. "I still see her the same way I did when we first met," he told me with a twinkle in his eye.
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