From appearing desperate to being single forever (gasp!), it seems that not having a plus one can be quite a daunting thing… or is it? Here, single women share their fears with us about being alone (it's goes beyond spending Saturday nights by your lonesome). There is even an official term for the fear of being single: Anuptaphobia!
Losing touch of the dating scene
Let's face it, going on a date is already daunting, but to go on a date when you've been out of touch of it for so long? Talk about nightmare for the singles.
"I just got out of a relationship and have decided I should go on dates again," says Kelly*. "It's been a while since my last date—I've been with my ex-boyfriend for five years. I am afraid that what used to work then wouldn't work now. I am a little bit rusty when it comes to flirting, and not to mention shy too... Worst still—what if nobody wants to date me?"
Face the fear: Fret not, says flirting expert and author of Flirt Fearlessly Rachel Dealto in an interview with Prevention. "Everybody can flirt; it's just about exercising that muscle. It's all about opening yourself up to something new. And when it comes to flirting, practice makes perfect," she says. What to do? Go on dates with different guys. And try some contact, as Dealto suggests. "Use a little bit of touch to reinforce a flirty comment. If they say something funny and you're laughing, touch them on the shoulder or hand. Just don't do it too much, or it gets weird."
My friends are all slowly signing up for married life
You know what it's like—as you grow older, more and more of your friends start settling down… except you, the single one, who is still on the lookout for The One. Before you know it, you're attending more baby showers than you are Friday Night Tequilas.
Michelle* can relate to the single-to-married phenomenon amongst her friends. "First, there were four… and now there's me, the only single one out of the group of my closest friends. The three of them get together and talk baby. I can't relate so I always excuse myself from their outings. Before I know it, there's nobody to hang out with on a Friday or Saturday night because all my friends have family commitments. Being single is no longer fun; it's just a sad situation to be in, especially when you are alone."
Face the fear: Single and sick of it? Don't be. While it can feel lonely when everyone else seems to be in a relationship, what you need to do is focus on yourself. Writes Molly Ford, founder of the popular Smart, Pretty and Awkward blog, in The Daily Muse, "Remember that comparing yourself and what you have or don't have to others is never a recipe for happiness. Ever. For that matter, marriage isn't always a recipe for happiness, either! Another important thing to remember is that there is no time frame for a great relationship. Loving, meaningful romantic relationships are not a limited-edition item. Remind yourself that there is not just one good relationship out there and whoever finds it first is the only one that gets it."
What if I never meet the one
Ah… the million dollar question (and top nightmare) for many single women: That they will never meet "him".Writes Dr. Amy Johnson, social psychologist and author of Modern Enlightenment: Psychological, Spiritual and Practical Ideas for a Better Life, "As a relationship coach, I talk to a lot of single women. It's pretty rare to find one who wants to be in a relationship, isn't in one and is perfectly relaxed about it. There is usually some fear lurking under the surface. Many are afraid that their ship has sailed, they let 'the one' get away or that the older and more established they get, it will only become harder to find someone who fits into their life."
Lisa* knows the feeling. "While I do enjoy being single, there is a nagging voice at the back of mind telling me that my clock is ticking and I shouldn't wait too long to settle down," says the 30-year-old. "I have friends who are older and single, and I see how difficult it is for them to find a man. Whether it is because they are picky or that they just aren't meeting the right men, the complaint is all the same: Where is my Prince Charming? I don't want to be 50 and wondering if maybe the guy I rejected was my happily ever after."
Face the fear: Here's what you need to know—there is no such thing as a soul mate and the faster you get that notion into your head, the easier it will be for you to find the relationship you want, says Jean Cirillo, author of The Soul Mate Myth: A 3-Step Program to Finding Real Love in an interview with iVillage. "If we remain stuck in the idea that every potential mate must meet an idealistic standard, we miss out on real opportunities to meet real people. When women speak of the ideal Mr. Right, they often mean a fantasy image of the perfect man." Cirillo's advice? "Have fun! You show yourself in the best light when you are having a good time. And try dating outside your 'type'. You may be pleasantly surprised."
And then there is the pressure to settle…
Your parents ask you about it. Your aunts bug you with the same question whenever there is a family gathering. Your friends—married of course—look at you sympathetically and say the same thing: "Isn't it time for you to find a nice man and settle down?"
Says single gal Karen*, "When I tell people I just meet that I am single, the first thing they ask is 'Why, what's wrong with you?' After that is done, they proceed to tell me that a girl like me shouldn't wait for too long and that the longer I wait, the harder it will be for me to settle down. On a good day, I brush it off with a laugh; but on days when I am feeling down, especially after a hard day at work, I do wish I have someone I can cuddle up with… Even the single and fabulous girls of Sex and the City got married. How's that for pressure?"
Face the fear: Unfortunately, there comes a time when people around us will hit the repeat button on the "when are you settling down?" question. What you need to do is to hit the mute button! Enjoy your singlehood and make the best out of it. Focusing too much on the fact that you're single will only bring you down. Also, the next time someone bugs you with the marriage question, here's what to say to them: Marriage may be overrated and it's proven. A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family and cited in The Daily Mail showed that there is "no evidence that marriage and cohabitation provide benefits over being single in the realm of social ties."
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